WRITER & COMEDIAN
Welcome to Scorched Forest, a Retirement Community for Millennials
Spicy Sex Tips for the Couple Spending Every Waking Second Together, (with JiJi Lee)
Scientific Theories Disproven by 2020
Valuable Lessons I Learned from Statues
Situations My Dad Pictured Me in While Giving Advice (with Patty Terhune)
C.D.C. Guidelines for Persuading Your Boomer Parents to Stay Home (with Evan Allgood)
The Best Business Advice You’ll Ever Get (with Evan Allgood)
My personal recession indicators: I’m stress-buying frozen meat and investing in gold
Seriously, I love being a renter
A glimpse into the girlboss era
How to build affordable housing and get filthy rich
Silicon Valley’s hottest femtech apps
"Ripe with potential": Here's what real estate developer speak really means
Headlines Only
Family Stands In Tense Silence As Dad Considers Menu Posted Outside Bistro
New Parents Freaked Out Upon Learning That Babies Can Live Up To 100 Years
Report: This A Goddamn Walk In The Park Compared To What’s Coming In 2027
Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel
Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline
Thinking About Grandma Does Little To Prevent Man's Ejaculation
Acquaintances At Happy Hour Break Into Cold Sweat As Mutual Friend Announces She Going To Bathroom
The Catholic Church Is Modernizing! (with Caitlin Kunkel)
I Am the Undecided Voter (with Jon Plester)
Alternatives to "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" During A Global Pandemic (with Sara K. Runnels)
Welcome To The New New Age (with Lillian Stone)
Your Dad’s HBO Stand-Up Comedy Special
In Order To Be My Bridesmaid, You Must Complete This Scavenger Hunt
Babies Named After Game of Thrones Characters, All Grown Up (with Evan Allgood)
Choose Your Own Adventure: Talking To Your Dad About The 2020 Election
Why It's Too Difficult For Me To Vote, And How Many Beers I Can Butt Chug In Under 60 Seconds
Your $6,000 Purebred Dog Comes With A Few Minor Quirks
A Feminist Fever Dream Written By A Men's Rights Activist
I Don't Mean To Be Difficult, But I Really, Really Don't Want To Get Shot
Just Because Voldemort Assembled An Army Of Warlocks To Destroy All Muggles Doesn't Mean He's “Anti-Muggle"
In Memoriam: Anthony Scaramucci’s 10-Day Tenure As White House Communications Director
Introducing Passivism: Feminism For Women Who Need To Be Liked
‘It’s Like We’re Living In The Colonial Days,’ Says Woman Ordering $300 Gallon Of Milk On Mobile App
Mother-In-Law Wondering If You Two Raw Dogging Enough to Put a Baby in Them Guts
Get Skin So Fresh And Youthful That Drake Will DM You
Man Treats His Sneakers With Tenderness Unknown to Girlfriend
Woman Orders Pizza to Gain Reward Points for Future Pizza
Ruthlessly Strategic Coworker Knows You Can Only Reject So Many Happy Hour Invites
Hack Your Morning Routine by Waking Up at 2 a.m. and Having a Mini-Day Before Your Real Day
I LIVED IT: I Was Born With A Flat Chest
‘Thanks, I Forgot Where I Got It!’ Says Woman Who Got It At Aéropostale,
Four Little Tricks That’ll Help You Stop Mentioning Horses in Job Interviews
Wow! This Woman’s Roots Just Won the Human Rights Campaign’s Visibility Award
Woah! Hot Guy Was Wearing Transitions Lenses the Whole Time
Why I Can Only Orgasm by Relaxing And Imagining I’m Finding a Bobby Pin
Rumi’s Greatest Teachings, Updated For Quarantine
Introducing URSCREWED: The Health-Care Plan
Summer’s Most Instagrammable Trend: A Midsommar-Themed Wedding (with Lucy Huber and Lillian Stone)
Alternatives to Hot Girl Summer (with Sara K. Runnels)
My Trip To The Tattoo Shop, As Imagined By My Mom
Arguments Used To Defend Brett Kavanaugh, As Applied Literally Anywhere Else
Employee Survey: Starbucks’ Racial Bias Education Day
Thanksgiving With David Caruso
I Feel The Most Equal On Women’s Equality Day, A Day Set Aside To Remind Others Of My Equality
Your Father Made His Very Own Father’s Day Gift Guide!
Why Amazon’s New “Lord of the Rings” Show Is So Expensive (with Evan Allgood)
Don't Talk to Me Until I've Had My Coffee! (with Evan Allgood)
You Have to Learn Coding! It's the Only Way to Survive the Job Market and the Wrath of Our Robot Overlords (with Johnathan Appel)
With These Latest Mass Shootings, We Condemn the Violent Influence of Princess Zelda, Donkey Kong, and Super Mario (with Johnathan Appel)
Yes, Chick-fil-A Is Totally Evil -- But, on the Other Hand, Waffle Fries (with Evan Allgood)
List: Early Reviews of the Leaked Mueller Report or Jordan Peele's "Us"?
You are Cordially Invited to This Year's Thanksgiving, Which My Son Will Be Filming to Expose the Sham of the Modern Family (with Charlie Smith)
Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted in the Trumpian Translation
There's Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty
Aesop's Fables, Updated for a Capitalist World