WRITING
The New Yorker
Guitar? Yeah, I Dabble, July 2021
Ivanka Loves Florida!, March 2021
Updated Horror Movie Tropes, March 2021
Spicy Sex Tips for the Couple Spending Every Waking Second Together, Oct. 2020 (with JiJi Lee)
Scientific Theories Disproven by 2020, Oct. 2020
Valuable Lessons I Learned from Statues, July 2020
Situations My Dad Pictured Me in While Giving Advice, June 2020 (with Patty Terhune)
C.D.C. Guidelines for Persuading Your Boomer Parents to Stay Home, March 2020 (with Evan Allgood)
A Brief History of Sports, March 2020
The Best Business Advice You’ll Ever Get, Nov. 2019 (with Evan Allgood)
The Onion
Headlines Only
New Parents Freaked Out Upon Learning That Babies Can Live Up To 100 Years, Oct. 2020
Years Of Listening To Grandpa Talk About Dust Bowl Pays Dividends In Instagram Post Honoring His Death, August 2020
Report: This A Goddamn Walk In The Park Compared To What’s Coming In 2027, June 2020
Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel, May 2020
Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure, March 2020
Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline, March 2020
Thinking About Grandma Does Little To Prevent Man's Ejaculation, Feb. 2020
Acquaintances At Happy Hour Break Into Cold Sweat As Mutual Friend Announces She Going To Bathroom, Jan. 2020
McSweeney's Internet Tendency
The Catholic Church Is Modernizing!, Dec. 2020 (with Caitlin Kunkel)
I Am the Undecided Voter, Oct. 2020 (with Jon Plester)
Alternatives to "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" During A Global Pandemic, March 2020 (with Sara K. Runnels)
Welcome To The New New Age, Sept. 2019 (with Lillian Stone)
FAQ: Underage Women, July 2019
Your Dad’s HBO Stand-Up Comedy Special, June 2019
In Order To Be My Bridesmaid, You Must Complete This Scavenger Hunt, June 2019
Babies Named After Game of Thrones Characters, All Grown Up, May 2019 (with Evan Allgood)
Choose Your Own Adventure: Talking To Your Dad About The 2020 Election, April 2019
Why It's Too Difficult For Me To Vote, And How Many Beers I Can Butt Chug In Under 60 Seconds, Oct. 2018
Your $6,000 Purebred Dog Comes With A Few Minor Quirks, Aug. 2018
A Feminist Fever Dream Written By A Men's Rights Activist, May 2018
The First Female President, April 2018
I Don't Mean To Be Difficult, But I Really, Really Don't Want To Get Shot, Jan. 2018
Just Because Voldemort Assembled An Army Of Warlocks To Destroy All Muggles Doesn't Mean He's “Anti-Muggle", Jan. 2018
In Memoriam: Anthony Scaramucci’s 10-Day Tenure As White House Communications Director, Aug. 2017
Introducing Passivism: Feminism For Women Who Need To Be Liked, July 2017
Reductress
‘It’s Like We’re Living In The Colonial Days,’ Says Woman Ordering $300 Gallon Of Milk On Mobile App, April 2020 (headline only)
Study Finds It Technically Possible That Your Mother Is Having A Mind-Blowing Orgasm Right At This Very Second, April 2020 (headline only)
Mother-In-Law Wondering If You Two Raw Dogging Enough to Put a Baby in Them Guts, March 2020
Get Skin So Fresh And Youthful That Drake Will DM You, Feb. 2020
Man Treats His Sneakers With Tenderness Unknown to Girlfriend, Feb. 2020 (headline only)
Woman Orders Pizza to Gain Reward Points for Future Pizza, Feb. 2020
Ruthlessly Strategic Coworker Knows You Can Only Reject So Many Happy Hour Invites, Aug. 2019 (headline only)
Hack Your Morning Routine by Waking Up at 2 a.m. and Having a Mini-Day Before Your Real Day, June 2019
I LIVED IT: I Was Born With A Flat Chest, Oct. 2018
‘Thanks, I Forgot Where I Got It!’ Says Woman Who Got It At Aéropostale, Oct. 2018 (headline only)
Four Little Tricks That’ll Help You Stop Mentioning Horses in Job Interviews, Oct. 2018 (headline only)
Wow! This Woman’s Roots Just Won the Human Rights Campaign’s Visibility Award, Sept. 2018
Woah! Hot Guy Was Wearing Transitions Lenses the Whole Time, June 2018
Is He Flirting With You, or Is He Your Gynecologist Wanting to Know How Your Birth Control is Working Out?, June 2018 (headline only)
Why I Can Only Orgasm by Relaxing And Imagining I’m Finding a Bobby Pin, May 2018 (headline only)
Five True Crime Podcasts That Still Won’t Explain Why Dad Suddenly Pulled You Off The Verizon Family Plan, April 2018
The Rumpus
How To Be Adorable For Him, April 2019
Splitsider/Vulture
The Belladonna Comedy
Rumi’s Greatest Teachings, Updated For Quarantine, June 2020
Introducing URSCREWED: The Health-Care Plan, April 2020
Summer’s Most Instagrammable Trend: A Midsommar-Themed Wedding!, Aug. 2019 (with Lucy Huber and Lillian Stone)
Alternatives to Hot Girl Summer, July 2019 (with Sara K. Runnels)
My Trip To The Tattoo Shop, As Imagined By My Mom, Nov. 2018
Arguments Used To Defend Brett Kavanaugh, As Applied Literally Anywhere Else, Sept. 2018
Employee Survey: Starbucks’ Racial Bias Education Day, May 2018
Thanksgiving With David Caruso, Nov. 2017
I Feel The Most Equal On Women’s Equality Day, A Day Set Aside To Remind Others Of My Equality, Aug. 2017
Your Father Made His Very Own Father’s Day Gift Guide!, June 2017
Points in Case
Why Amazon’s New “Lord of the Rings” Show Is So Expensive, May 2021 (with Evan Allgood)
Don't Talk to Me Until I've Had My Coffee!, Jan. 2020 (with Evan Allgood)
You Have to Learn Coding! It's the Only Way to Survive the Job Market and the Wrath of Our Robot Overlords, Oct. 2019 (With Johnathan Appel)
With These Latest Mass Shootings, We Condemn the Violent Influence of Princess Zelda, Donkey Kong, and Super Mario, Aug. 2019 (with Johnathan Appel)
Yes, Chick-fil-A Is Totally Evil -- But, on the Other Hand, Waffle Fries, June 2019 (with Evan Allgood)
List: Early Reviews of the Leaked Mueller Report or Jordan Peele's "Us"?, April 2019
You are Cordially Invited to This Year's Thanksgiving, Which My Son Will Be Filming to Expose the Sham of the Modern Family, Nov. 2018 (with Rachel Paige)
Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted in the Trumpian Translation, Oct. 2018
There's Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty, Sept. 2018
Aesop's Fables, Updated for a Capitalist World, Aug. 2018
The Modern Day Dinosaurs That Plague America, June 2018
Slackjaw
We’re Saddened To Announce That Our Magazine Will Remain In Print, June 2020
If The Oscars Were For Accountants, Feb. 2020
Where Your Recycling Really Goes, Jan. 2020
A Day in the Life of a Robot Reporter, July 2019
Little Old Lady Comedy
Couple’s Editions Of Your Favorite Games, Oct. 2019 (with Evan Allgood)
Roseanne Barr's Eight Rules of Comedy, May 2018
Medium
There’s A Massive Fire Destroying This House, But We Cannot Risk Using A Fire Hose To Put It Out, Feb. 2020 (with Jon Plester)
Desperate Pitches For Your Next HBO Obsession, May 2019 (with Lillian Stone)
To Those Who Forgot That I, Jesus Christ and Son of God, Was A Massive Cuck, Feb. 2019
Omnarchy
Headlines
Archived Magazine Advertisements Show Early Attempts at Cybernetic Enhancements, Jan. 2020
Op-Ed: If You’re Going to Call It a Belly Button, It Needs to Serve a Purpose, Nov. 2019
It Really Never Occurred to Humans That Their Remote Controls Were Running Away…?, Oct. 2019
“You’re Glowing!” And 4 Other Signs You Got A Little Too Close To The Radiated Beaches, Aug. 2019
Things Are Really Heating Up Between My Toaster and My Microwave, Aug. 2019
Quiz: Did You Get A Lobotomy?, July 2019
Prove You're Not A Robot By Failing This CAPTCHA, June 2019
Headlines & Articles
Shirley’s Always Been Bubbly—She’s Just Bubbly in a Different Way Now, Jan. 2020
Four Things “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” Got Wrong About the Future—And One Thing It Got Eerily Right, Oct. 2019
Remember Go-Gurt? Cool! So, We Turned Your Little Brother into Something That Looks A Lot Like It, July 2019
Stop Obsessing Over Your Physical Appearance and Just Give Us Your Legs, July 2019
Rejoice! The Last Propaganda Globe Depicting the Fictional Country of ‘France’ Was Just Blown Up, June 2019
Articles
This Targeted Ad Has Determined That Your Deepest Desire Is: Big Pant, April 2020
Our Elections Are the Finest Money Can Buy, March 2020
You’re The Funniest! Share This Hilarious Meme As A Not-So-Subtle Cry For Help, Feb. 2020
How Did Penguins Play Such a Small Part in Society?, Jan. 2020
Which of the 22 Candidates for Bunker Elder Makes You Feel the Least Hopeless?, Dec. 2019
7-Year-Old in Need of Kidney Transplant Rings Opening Bell at Black Market, Nov. 2019
How to Dress for the Job You Have And Convince Yourself It’s the One You Want, Nov. 2019
Success! We Exported Climate Change to Mars, Oct. 2019
Quiz: Do You Generate Significant Value?, Sept. 2019
I Know You Wanted More Sustenance, But We Got You These Scented Hyperloop Cars Instead, Sept. 2019
Drone Detective Goes Rogue, Overrides Programming Based on Hunch, Aug. 2019
Melodies You Can Nervously Hum When ‘The Big Countdown’ Starts,
Aug. 2019
That Awkward Moment When You Wish You Were Inundated with More Ads, July 2019
‘Extra Guac?’ This Year’s Hot New Phrase is a Fun Reminder that Humans Used to Have Food, June 2019