WRITING

 
The New Yorker
The Onion
McSweeney's Internet Tendency

Yes, Bill Cosby Was Released From Prison, But We Still Need To Make Sure Cancel Culture Doesn't Go Too Far, July 2021  

The Catholic Church Is Modernizing!, Dec. 2020 (with Caitlin Kunkel)

Welcome to Parler, The Social Media Platform for Conservative Free-Thinkers Who Reject Objective Reality, Nov. 2020

I Am the Undecided Voter, Oct. 2020 (with Jon Plester)

Alternatives to "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" During A Global Pandemic, March 2020 (with Sara K. Runnels)

Welcome To The New New Age, Sept. 2019 (with Lillian Stone)

FAQ: Underage Women, July 2019

Your Dad’s HBO Stand-Up Comedy Special, June 2019

In Order To Be My Bridesmaid, You Must Complete This Scavenger Hunt, June 2019

Babies Named After Game of Thrones Characters, All Grown Up, May 2019 (with Evan Allgood)

Choose Your Own Adventure: Talking To Your Dad About The 2020 Election, April 2019

Why It's Too Difficult For Me To Vote, And How Many Beers I Can Butt Chug In Under 60 Seconds​, Oct. 2018

Your $6,000 Purebred Dog Comes With A Few Minor Quirks, Aug. 2018

A Feminist Fever Dream Written By A Men's Rights Activist, May 2018

The First Female President, April 2018

I Don't Mean To Be Difficult, But I Really, Really Don't Want To Get Shot, Jan. 2018

Just Because Voldemort Assembled An Army Of Warlocks To Destroy  All Muggles Doesn't Mean He's “Anti-Muggle", Jan. 2018

In Memoriam: Anthony Scaramucci’s 10-Day Tenure As White House Communications Director, Aug. 2017

Introducing Passivism: Feminism For Women Who Need To Be Liked, July 2017

Reductress

‘It’s Like We’re Living In The Colonial Days,’ Says Woman Ordering $300 Gallon Of Milk On Mobile App, April 2020 (headline only)

Study Finds It Technically Possible That Your Mother Is Having A Mind-Blowing Orgasm Right At This Very Second, April 2020 (headline only)

Mother-In-Law Wondering If You Two Raw Dogging Enough to Put a Baby in Them Guts, March 2020

Get Skin So Fresh And Youthful That Drake Will DM You, Feb. 2020

Man Treats His Sneakers With Tenderness Unknown to Girlfriend, Feb. 2020 (headline only)

Woman Orders Pizza to Gain Reward Points for Future Pizza, Feb. 2020

 

Ruthlessly Strategic Coworker Knows You Can Only Reject So Many Happy Hour Invites, Aug. 2019 (headline only)

Hack Your Morning Routine by Waking Up at 2 a.m. and Having a Mini-Day Before Your Real Day, June 2019

I LIVED IT: I Was Born With A Flat Chest, Oct. 2018

‘Thanks, I Forgot Where I Got It!’ Says Woman Who Got It At Aéropostale, Oct. 2018 (headline only)

Four Little Tricks That’ll Help You Stop Mentioning Horses in Job Interviews, Oct. 2018 (headline only)

Wow! This Woman’s Roots Just Won the Human Rights Campaign’s Visibility Award, Sept. 2018 

Woah! Hot Guy Was Wearing Transitions Lenses the Whole Time, June 2018

 

Is He Flirting With You, or Is He Your Gynecologist Wanting to Know How Your Birth Control is Working Out?, June 2018 (headline only)

Why I Can Only Orgasm by Relaxing And Imagining I’m Finding a Bobby Pin, May 2018 (headline only)

Five True Crime Podcasts That Still Won’t Explain Why Dad Suddenly Pulled You Off The Verizon Family Plan, April 2018

The Rumpus
Splitsider/Vulture
The Belladonna Comedy
Points in Case
Slackjaw
Little Old Lady Comedy
Medium
Omnarchy

Headlines

Archived Magazine Advertisements Show Early Attempts at Cybernetic Enhancements, Jan. 2020

Op-Ed: If You’re Going to Call It a Belly Button, It Needs to Serve a Purpose, Nov. 2019

This All Hallows’ Eve, Send Your Motherboards Tingling by Touring the Abandoned Sites of Human “Water Parks”, Oct. 2019

It Really Never Occurred to Humans That Their Remote Controls Were Running Away…?, Oct. 2019

Introducing Yoga 2.0, Which Encourages Relaxation by Bending Your Legs Backward Until You Scream the Scream of True Enlightenment, Sept. 2019

“You’re Glowing!” And 4 Other Signs You Got A Little Too Close To The Radiated Beaches, Aug. 2019

Things Are Really Heating Up Between My Toaster and My Microwave, Aug. 2019

Quiz: Did You Get A Lobotomy?, July 2019

Prove You're Not A Robot By Failing This CAPTCHA, June 2019 

Headlines & Articles

 

Shirley’s Always Been Bubbly—She’s Just Bubbly in a Different Way Now, Jan. 2020

Four Things “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” Got Wrong About the Future—And One Thing It Got Eerily Right, Oct. 2019

Remember Go-Gurt? Cool! So, We Turned Your Little Brother into Something That Looks A Lot Like It, July 2019

Stop Obsessing Over Your Physical Appearance and Just Give Us Your Legs, July 2019

Rejoice! The Last Propaganda Globe Depicting the Fictional Country of ‘France’ Was Just Blown Up, June 2019

Articles

This Targeted Ad Has Determined That Your Deepest Desire Is: Big Pant, April 2020

Our Elections Are the Finest Money Can Buy, March 2020

You’re The Funniest! Share This Hilarious Meme As A Not-So-Subtle Cry For Help, Feb. 2020

How Did Penguins Play Such a Small Part in Society?, Jan. 2020

 

Which of the 22 Candidates for Bunker Elder Makes You Feel the Least Hopeless?, Dec. 2019

7-Year-Old in Need of Kidney Transplant Rings Opening Bell at Black Market, Nov. 2019

How to Dress for the Job You Have And Convince Yourself It’s the One You Want, Nov. 2019

Success! We Exported Climate Change to Mars, Oct. 2019

Quiz: Do You Generate Significant Value?, Sept. 2019

I Know You Wanted More Sustenance, But We Got You These Scented Hyperloop Cars Instead, Sept. 2019

Drone Detective Goes Rogue, Overrides Programming Based on Hunch, Aug. 2019

Melodies You Can Nervously Hum When ‘The Big Countdown’ Starts,

Aug. 2019

That Awkward Moment When You Wish You Were Inundated with More Ads, July 2019

‘Extra Guac?’ This Year’s Hot New Phrase is a Fun Reminder that Humans Used to Have Food, June 2019